Truthful Tuesday

Today will be my first  Truthful Tuesday post.  After much prayer, I have decided to start with the story of how God restored my marriage. I choose to share this story so that God can receive ALL the glory - what was done in my marriage is a perfect example of God's love, compassion and mercy in both mine and Abel's life. 

My Story - Part 1

"Everyone says the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest. "

"Maybe you are expecting too much?" 

"Have you been praying about it?"

Anytime I heard the above responses in my quest for understanding and comfort, I wanted to scream: "Yes, I know what everyone says, no I do not think I am expecting too much, and I am praying!!??!?!?" How could I not be? I had two children under the age of 3, a husband that was so distant, the only way we communicated was fighting and a bucketful of questions. I was at the end of my rope. 

For the past five years I had constantly questioned my choices, my ability to hear from God, my value and my marriage. Is this what God has for me? There must be something better - at least I hope! Yet, here I was yet again pleading with God to give me the ok to leave my marriage. I just wanted some peace. To be able to leave the constant pressure cooker that was my life.  I wanted stability for my kids. How many times would Abel and I fight and yell, threaten each other with divorce? This could not go on. But it did, eventually to the point of Abel living with his parents for several months. 

During the time Abel lived with his parents I kept questioning God. Why me? What have I done? Did I not hear you right? The questions kept coming, but no answers.  Soon, we were in counseling and Abel moved back home. I hoped for the best, but still felt something was not right. But, I tried to put that aside, and move forward. I reasoned that this was my life - I had committed to this marriage before God, my family and friends. Even if things did not change, I had to do what God was telling me to do and stay. So, I put on a mask and pretended things were getting better - but at home with just me and God, I knew what was damaging our marriage.

I felt stuck. Weeks went by, the band-aid we had put on our marriage was beginning to give way. What do I do with this nagging in my heart? I know there is something Abel is not telling me. With all the work we are putting in - why are we not getting any closer? 

As I put all these thoughts out of my head, I struggled to get my mask ready. Today was my son's birthday party! We were going to celebrate, it was all about him! I had to get ready, it takes a while to put on the "things are getting better" costume. Thankfully Abel had gone to get us some lunch, so I was alone for a bit.  Maybe I could relax for a bit?? 

Nope, not a chance, he is back.  Well, at least lunch is here.  Before I could get up from the bed, Abel was in the bedroom. Something was wrong - he looked awful! All the color was drained from his face. I asked what was wrong - if he was sick, did he need to go to the hospital? I had never seen him like this. 

"No," he replied "just need to tell you something." 

In that moment, I knew. I do not know how to explain it, but I knew what he was about to tell me. ...

"For the past year or so, I have been having a relationship with someone else."